I knew I was carrying you from the day you found me, but I couldn’t quite believe it.

I was on shift on labour ward, on that day I witnessed 2 births.

I loved Phoenix’s Birth particularly.

Her mother Rihan was roaring like a lioness, she was wild and beautiful, She laboured quickly, at every wave I could feel the birth energy breaking through. Her heart was open, her body was opening and so mine. My eyes watery all labour. I do often cry at birth, but not during labour.

This time I couldn’t stop.

The love in the room was overwhelming, and it was raw and vivid. My hands were tingling, baby Phoenix was so welcome, his mama was calling him out, his papa Jack was holding the space for them, he was also very emotional at all time. Jack was telling Rihan how beautiful she was.

She was smiling in between contraction, her eyes reaching for the universe,  and her voice was grounded to the earth at every surge.

OH, I couldn’t be more honoured to be there and feel the power of birth and love. The sunbeams were shining in the window, it was so magical.

Rihan sometimes would  say: ” I can’t do it” and so I replied: “Oh my dear love, you are so powerful, you are already doing it so beautifully, you can do it – say Yes to your body, say Yes to your baby” And she would say “ YES, you are right: I’m powerful. I’m strong.”

She pushed for a while, not very long before they were ready to meet. Phoenix arrived on the earthside, like a falling star from the universe.

I held him at first, whit mindful hands, a sacred touch, the very first he felt in his life, I’m so honoured. I passed him to his mama. He was perfect, their bodies and souls were finally together, and it felt like they knew each other for a very long time. The wisest gaze, both observing each other – that moment was timeless. An encounter of three souls forever bounded with love.

I cried again quietly.

On that day, I thought a soul just nested into my womb.

…..

The day after my head was somewhere very far, not in this space, not in this time.

I felt like lots of birds and butterflies and bees fluttering about and buzzing into my brain. I couldn’t really do much about it apart from forcing myself to be present and careful because I was driving around and also working, I had two more Home births that day. My heart exploded with love and passion for this job that I do, I felt so lucky.

My head buzzed all week.

…..

I saw Alice, and she did a pendulum on my belly, she asked the universe if I was pregnant, and so I did, both times the pendulum said yes.

And so I asked the tarots: I received these cards:

The fool and 2 of cup.

The fool is the first arcana and in this deck is a duckling. It is about a new beginning, starting a new journey with the innocence of a baby duck leaving the nest and learning to fly. It said, “the journey has already begun”.

The 2 of cup is about connection and love. This card appears when new love is heading your way. It said at the end: “open your heart and get ready”.

I was happy inside, but I couldn’t trust my intuition and the signs from the universe, I was scared to be disappointed and wrong, How crazy is that? I learnt my intuition was always right a long time ago. But this thing was too big, and my heart would have broken if it was not true. And so I waited.

Meantime my head was still travelling the universe, and sometimes I would feel suddenly the smell of something different, very strong, would take me back to this reality.

Every night I lighted a candle on my altar and smudged. I would ask the mothers of the universe if there was a baby coming through, to show him or her way, and help them to find my womb. I invited this baby to come and stay with us.

The day my moon was due I was so thirsty, and there was so much saliva in my mouth that I kept spitting to people while I was talking.

Funnily enough, the day before I had my appraisal with my manager; I forgot the paper somewhere, I apologised to Jo, my manager and told her I was very forgetful, she asked me if I was pregnant. I said to her that my period was due soon, but we were trying for a baby. We had a chat, and she told me about her pregnancy and that one of the first symptoms was the abundance of saliva.

I was driving home thinking about all this signs and symptoms; still, I couldn’t believe it was true. I remembered there are like 8 planets retrograde and it’s the eclipse season and the new moon coming soon.. so I thought my head was buzzing because of that.

I was too impatient to wait for the next day for my period to be missed or not. I told Matt I wanted to do a pregnancy test.

….

We had dinner, and we did it. I was thrilled, and my heart was going so fast. I peed in a cup and handed it to Matt who carefully prepared the stripe.

For once I followed the instructions. My heart was beating faster and faster.

The first line becomes purple in 1 second. It felt like hours, but after a few seconds I couldn’t see any other line, I was a bit sad. Matt also thought it was negative. I said Fine is negative. My heart immediately slowed down.

We held each other.

After one minute or two, I could see a very pale line. I thought I was going a bit crazy and starting to have some hallucination. Matt wasn’t sure.

We did another test, we follow the instructions even better, if that was even possible, timing everything. The results were the same, 2 lines one of them was very pale.

My midwife head was telling me, yes its positive, just your period is not even missed, and the level of pregnancy hormone is not very high., it all makes perfect sense; also false negative is possible, false positive is not very likely.

I was still ignoring the signs of the universe, the symptoms and the positive tests (x2).

I sent a picture of the test to Alice. And called her and she was screaming at the phone “oh yes you are pregnant !!!!!”

Me and Matt, still not too sure.

We went to Asda: Matt bought some cigarettes, some calm pills, a wooden spoon and a clear blue test ( the one you can do 6 days before your missed period), what a bizarre shopping basket.

We got home, I was excited again. I peed in the same cup, put the stick in, timed it, and covered it.

We waited for 3 minutes and 20 seconds before looking. When we looked, Matt was holding me.

He said you are going to be a mummy. I started laughing, and we hugged and then started crying very very loudly. I told him I wanted my mum. So we video called her. I couldn’t talk I was crying and crying,  she started panicking and asking what was wrong. I said nothing and kept crying.

Finally, Matt said we had good news, and she showed her the positive test. She was so happy and so my dad. I couldn’t stop crying.

And so our journey has begun.

I lighted a candle and thanked the universe and the Mothers and this Soul for choosing us, for choosing my body.

Oh, my precious one. You are the child of the earth, I’m honoured to be your mother, I honour your journey and your life, and I hope you’ll stay with us, you are loved and so very welcome, please stay with us.

I hoped this diary would have been long and endless, the story of my baby and me.

But the universe had other plans for us. this is a story of miscarriage, it is sad, raw, but also powerful and sacred……..

I hoped this diary would have been long and endless, the story of my baby and me.

But the universe had other plans for us.

……

The night before you left we played our drum. I’ve noticed some signs you might be going that night .. and so we sat on the floor and played.. and we told you how much we loved you already .. We invited you to stay if that was meant to be. My heart was begging you to stay.. I didn’t give a shit about bloody universe’s plan. I just wanted you to stay. I prayed.

I wanted time to stop. I never wanted to fall asleep and the day after to come.. I wanted some more time together.

That night I had a Miscarriage.

…..

I woke up in pain, I hoped it was a bad dream; But it was all true, my womb was hurting for real.

I can still hear myself crying, at 03:06, when I came back from the toilet.

Drops of blood dripping, like watercolour in the water.

My womb was bleeding, My heart broken into pieces.

My breast was suddenly soft and empty.

I had no voice.

I went to bed and cried, Matt was holding me tight. Our hearts were beating at one if only that was possible. How can a broken heart still beat?

I can still feel the pain, is still there, who knows if it will ever leave.

The pain was buried, in the deepest of my soul. A black hole was surrounding my spirit, like a vortex;  I reached for the light, but I coudnt’t see.

I could feel Matt’s love, I held on it. I could feel the warmth of our bodies. It felt safe. I knew  I could let go and reach the deepest of the darkest place. I know our love was holding the space in this rapid fall into pain.. and so I fell.

Occasionally  I emerged. Breathed some light forgot for a few minutes. Love was always there..

I went back to the toilet. My womb was still crying. Droplets of blood in the water, making shapes and shades.

I went back to bed, more hugs more love I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up in the morning. I remember it wasn’t a dream. It is real, vivid, and painful.

My eyes were open, but I was n’t this space or this time. My spirit was lost in the universe.

…..

I informed some of my family.

They said things I couldn’t hear, or maybe I wasn’t  listening. The said their sweetest words. I could hear nothing. Letters were floating in the air.

I hoped nobody would say “it was early”, my mum said that. But that’s ok.

Miscarriage is too unspoken like a little secret is better not to say. If it’s early maybe it doesn’t count? When you consider too early or too late? Should I not be sad because it was only a few weeks ? not sure?  1:4 pregnancies end with a miscarriage that is considered normal. Normal?

Your baby, admittedly extra tiny small, like a seed, leaving your womb.. Is that a normal thing for anyone? I was angry.

In my head passed the idea I’ve done something wrong, maybe my body is broken or is not working correctly, or perhaps I can’t be a mother.

Alice said you are a mother now. That will never change.

….

I’m a Mother. I’ve been chosen by a soul to be a mother and Matt to be a father.

Oh, tiny seed.

I honour you, and I honour your soul I honour jour journey.

Thank you for coming and stay for a few weeks.

Thank you for teaching us love is all, and it heals, it will heal our broken hearts.

Thanks to you I could smell flowers miles away and wild nature. Thanks for awakening my primal instincts.

OH, little seed you are forever loved.

We went to the wood.. everything was grey, nature was silent and sad, and so we were.

My emotions are so wild now. They come and go without any warnings. I feel sad and lonely and empty, and then I feel I’ve grown and I’ve met Demeter and walked at her side.

The heartbroken Demeter wandered the earth looking for her lost daughter, Persephone.  When she find out she was gone and taken by the god of the underworld, Hades, she was so sad she decided to take leave from her duties as the goddess of harvest and fertility, with devastating consequences.

The earth began to dry up, harvests failed, plants lost their fruitfulness, animals were dying for lack of food and famine spread to the whole earth. That was how I felt.

Franca, my dear mentor, she said our feminine energy is  so powerful, in fact we have to power to  give birth and we give death too.

So .. I remembered, I know nature’s cycle of life and death, I remembered about dry winter and blooming spring. I can see the wheal of seasons, the cycle the moon, the cycles within my body.

When you hold death within your body you truly experience the cycle of life and death. I’m aware of the sacredness of live and now I honour death too.

I remembered my body knows the way.

….

I allowed my self to find a space for death to happen. Not only physically ..

I remember the universe knows.

I remembered I didn’t decide to become a medicine woman I was one.

I remembered I didn’t decide to become a Mother I was one.

I remembered the power within my womb, I remembered all the spiritual babies I’ve given birth to, all my intentions manifested. I remembered Baby Oak is a child of the earth not my child.

I saw my feelings passing by, I observed I tryed not to judge or name them. I acknowledged them.. I didn’t try to stop them. I stayed with the pain and allowed myself to feel and let go. I knew a rainbow will show up soon.